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Now that Alice is on solid food we're taking turns feeding her. It's usually a slow, slimy (because she jams her fingers into the food and her mouth and then touches me), but rewarding, process. Since I'm not wracking my brain trying calculate orbital velocities or figure out how to spell 5 letter words, my brain tends to wander. And when my brain wanders, it usually heads straight to Star Wars.
I imagine that feeding a baby is a lot like the ending from Episode IV where they are trying to take out the Death Star. Please consider the following screenplay:
INTERIOR: MASSASSI -- WAR ROOM BRIEFING AREA. Dodonna stands before a large electronic wall display. Leia and several other senators are to one side of the giant readout. The low-ceilinged room is filled with starpilots, navigators, and a sprinkling of R2-type robots. Everyone is listening intently to what Dodonna is saying. Mommy is standing near the back. DODONNA: The Baby is heavily shielded and carries a barfpower greater than half the family. It's defenses are designed around a direct large-scale assault. A small one-personed spoon should be able to penetrate the outer defense. Gold Leader, a rough looking man in his early thirties, stands and addresses Dodonna. GOLD LEADER: Pardon me for asking, sir, but what good are tiny spoons going to be against that? DODONNA: Well, the Baby doesn't consider a small one-personed spoon to be any threat, or she'd have a tighter defense. An analysis of the plans provided by Princess Leia has demonstrated a weakness in the Baby. Artoo-Detoo stands next to a similar robot, makes beeping sounds, and turns his head from right to left. DODONNA: The approach will not be easy. You are required to maneuver straight down this tray and skim the surface to this point. The target area is only two centimeters wide. It's a small barf exhaust port, right below the nose port. The shaft leads directly to the digestive system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which should destroy the hunger. A murmer of disbelief runs through the room. DODONNA: Only a precise hit will set up a chain reaction. The shaft is arm-shielded, so you'll have to use careful spooning. Luke is sitting next to Wedge Antilles, a hotshot pilot about sixteen years old. WEDGE: That's impossible, even for a computer. LUKE: It's not impossible. I used to bull's-eye womp rats in my T-sixteen back home. They're not much bigger than two centimeters. DODONNA: Man your ships! And may the Force be with you! The group rises and begins to leave. EXTERIOR: SPACE. The Baby begins to move around the high chair toward the leg holes in an attempt to escape. INTERIOR Space: LUKE'S CHAIR. Luke looks excitedly toward Red Leader. RED LEADER: (over headset) Get set to make your attack run. INTERIOR: LUKE'S CHAIR. Luke looks into his targeting device. He moves it away for a moment and ponders its use. He looks back into the computer targeter. BIGGS: (over headset) Hurry up, Luke! EXTERIOR: BABY IN THE HIGHCHAIR -- LUKE'S CHAIR. Luke's spoon streaks over the tray of the Baby. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Princess Leia returns her general's worried and doubtful glances with solid, grim determination. Threepio seems nervous. THREEPIO: Hang on, Artoo! INTERIOR: LUKE'S CHAIR. Luke concentrates on his targeting device. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE HIGHCHAIR. Two Baby arms charge away over the tray toward Luke. INTERIOR: LUKE'S CHAIR. Luke adjusts the lens of his targeting device. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE TRAY. Luke's spoon charges down the tray. INTERIOR: LUKE'S CHAIR. Luke lines up the yellow cross-hair lines of the targeting device's screen. He looks into the targeting device, then starts at a voice he hears. BEN'S VOICE: Use the Force, Luke. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE TRAY. The tray zooms by. INTERIOR: LUKE'S CHAIR. Luke looks up, then starts to look back into the targeting device. He has second thoughts. BEN'S VOICE: Let go, Luke. A grim determination sweeps across Luke's face as he closes his eyes and starts to mumble Ben's training to himself. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE HIGHCHAIR. Luke's spoon streaks over the tray. INTERIOR: BABY'S MIND. BABY: The Force is strong with this one! EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE TRAY. Both the Baby's arms follows Luke's spoon over the tray. INTERIOR: LUKE'S CHAIR. Luke looks to the targeting device, then away as he hears Ben's voice. BEN'S VOICE: Luke, trust me. Luke's hand reaches for the control panel and presses the button. The targeting device moves away. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Leia and the others stand watching the projected screen. BASE VOICE: (over speaker) His computer's off. Luke, you switched off your targeting computer. What's wrong? LUKE: (over speaker) Nothing. I'm all right. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE HIGHCHAIR. Luke's spoon streaks ever close to the food port. INTERIOR: LUKE'S CHAIR. Luke looks at the baby's arms streaking by. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE BABY. The two arms, manned by the Baby, follow Luke's spoon down the tray. INTERIOR: BABY'S RIGHT ARM. Maneuvers her controls as he looks at her doomed target. Fingers shoots toward Luke's spoon. EXTERIOR: LUKE'S SPOON. A large burst of the Baby's fingers engulfs the food. The arms go limp on the daddy as he makes a high-pitched sound. INTERIOR: LUKE'S CHAIR. Luke looks frantically at the spoon. EXTERIOR: LUKE'S SPOON. Food oozes out around little fingers and goo begins to fly. LUKE: I've lost Food! Food makes a splattering sound as it hits various surfaces. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE TRAY. Two hands zoom down the highchair tray in pursuit of the spoon, never breaking formation. INTERIOR: LUKE'S SPOON. Luke looks anxiously at the food port. INTERIOR: BABY'S MIND. Baby adjusts her arms, checking her projected targeting screen. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE TRAY. Luke's spoon barrels down the tray. INTERIOR: BABY'S MIND. The Baby's targeting computer swings around into position. The Baby takes careful aim on Luke's spoon. Baby: I have you now. She squeezes her fingers. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE HIGHCHAIR. The two arms move in on Luke's spoon. As the left arm's fingers close, the right arm is suddenly immobilized. The remaining arm continues to move in. INTERIOR: LUKE'S SPOON. Luke looks about, wondering how the arm stopped. INTERIOR: BABY'S MIND. Baby is taken by surprise, and looks out from her highchair. BABY: What? INTERIOR: BEHIND THE HIGHCHAIR. Mommy grins from ear to ear. MOMMY: (yelling) Yahoo! EXTERIOR: SPACE AROUND THE BABY. Mommy's hand heads right at the remaining arm. It's a collision course. EXTERIOR: HIGHCHAIR. Baby panics at the sight of the oncoming mommy hand and veers radically to one side, colliding with Baby's face in the process. Gooey fingers crashes into the left cheek. Mommy grabs the left arm and holds it out of the way. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE HIGHCHAIR. Mommy moves in toward the baby. INTERIOR: BEHIND THE HIGHCHAIR. Mommy, smiling, speaks to Luke over her headset mike. MOMMY: (into mike) You're all clear, kid. INTERIOR: MASSASSI OUTPOST -- WAR ROOM. Leia and the others listen to Mommy's transmission. MOMMY: (over speaker) Now let's feed this baby and go home! INTERIOR: LUKE'S CHAIR. Luke looks up and smiles. He concentrates on the food port, then moves the spoon into the food port. EXTERIOR: SURFACE OF THE BABY. Luke's spoon shoot toward the port and seems to simply disappear into the surface and not explode. But the food does find their mark and have gone into the food port and are heading for the stomach. INTERIOR: LUKE'S CHAIR. Luke throws his head back in relief. INTERIOR: BEHIND THE HIGHCHAIR. MOMMY: Great shot, kid. That was one in a million. INTERIOR: LUKE'S CHAIR. Luke is at ease, and his eyes are closed. BEN'S VOICE: Remember, the Force will be with you...always.Posted by jim at June 12, 2012 04:57 PM