love within the void
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latest archive about email links yearbook japan photoblog wish list	Sun Sep 04 05 / 12:40 PM My mother has a great capacity for love. And I realize now that that means a capacity to love despite disappointment, to love anyway. She found my sex toys on moving day five years ago, and packed them without saying a word. She came across them again when I moved last month, but acted in such a way that I'm not sure she saw them. She continues to love, and I would have continued to think it was unconditional and blind, if she hadn't made a comment about my bathing suit this week. What she thinks about my sexual nature disappoints her. My homosexual writings surely shame and embarrass her. But she loves me anyway and tries not to show difference. When he was treading the conversational path that led him to nearly break up with me, he confessed that he has been worried about my aimlessness, my lack of achievement, and I guess by worried he must mean disappointed. For years, he too has been loving me anyway. He wondered how my parents felt about it. My mom will keep loving me, and my dad, and they will always appear proud of my however-mediocre accomplishments. I can probably hold him to me out of loyalty and decency until he really breaks up with me in a few years over the children issue and feels relieved but sad for me and a bit worried. I live with the disappointment every millisecond, but suddenly I know that others are living with it too, feeling the full weight of this physical crushing. I am disappointed in myself, he and my parents are disappointed in me, but even more than that I am freaked out that the disappointment will only culminate until the end of our lives. If I don't make something of myself, he will leave me, my family will continue to feign hopeful ignorance, and I will want to die.
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Lisa Higgs
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