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my love of life screwed to the topmost peg

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Mon Feb 21 05 / 9:55 AM

James is leaving Japan any day now. I visited him a couple weekends ago, and all we did was watch Lost and chat from our beds after the lights were out. It was fun and it was so easy. In recent years it has been hard to find the amazing burning core of the history of our friendship, but the time we spent in Japan together felt warmer and warmer. Whether we are starting something new or reviving something old, it's good.

Now that he's returning to Canada, and my mom has come to Japan and gone to China already, I'm finally alone. I felt a momentary awe in one of my classes today; I am living and working and communicating in Japan ... in Japan. But I have nobody to share this with. And despite that sorrow, Mel wants to come over and I resist. Why do I want to be alone even when I don't want to be?

So I'm on the countdown now, 4 months and I'm back. This is a good experience, a fun one, an awesome one, but it wasn't it. It wasn't the thing I try that changes my life, it wasn't the best thing I've ever done. Maybe life isn't a series of "its", and to hope so means constant disappointment. Maybe I expect too much. I don't make myself happy, and yet I shrink from others.

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Lisa Higgs

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*my love of life screwed to the topmost peg*
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latest archive about email links yearbook japan photoblog wish list	Mon Feb 21 05 / 9:55 AM James is leaving Japan any day now. I visited him a couple weekends ago, and all we did was watch Lost and chat from our beds after the lights were out. It was fun and it was so easy. In recent years it has been hard to find the amazing burning core of the history of our friendship, but the time we spent in Japan together felt warmer and warmer. Whether we are starting something new or reviving something old, it's good. Now that he's returning to Canada, and my mom has come to Japan and gone to China already, I'm finally alone. I felt a momentary awe in one of my classes today; I am living and working and communicating in Japan ... in Japan. But I have nobody to share this with. And despite that sorrow, Mel wants to come over and I resist. Why do I want to be alone even when I don't want to be? So I'm on the countdown now, 4 months and I'm back. This is a good experience, a fun one, an awesome one, but it wasn't it. It wasn't the thing I try that changes my life, it wasn't the best thing I've ever done. Maybe life isn't a series of "its", and to hope so means constant disappointment. Maybe I expect too much. I don't make myself happy, and yet I shrink from others.
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Lisa Higgs
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