astronaut ambition

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Thu Nov 16 00 / 4:36 AM

My name is Renuka, but don't call me that. Most call me Gucci, but maybe sometimes I wouldn't mind being called something else if someone wanted to.

I have always been here, you know that; but who among you will notice enough to see me leave? You may miss me, but that's always too late.

What is it that I want ... ? I can roll off a list of cosmetic changes, differences in family dynamics, paradigm shifts, just like everyone else, to be just like everyone else - will these make me the happy genius of my household?

Someone has to like me best, and that has to be okay. What I don't think I realize is that first I have to like myself. People like me for who I am, and maybe I should stop asking why and just accept because.

So who am I? I am more than an identity crisis in progress. How much more? I have arrived with baggage in hand to a point in my life where the whole of me is in question, in terms of both practice and psyche. Where I once lived only in terms of everyone else, I find that I must now make my own terms.

But maybe I just want it to all be the same, because it's easier to know than not know, to have a place than stake a claim, to love than be loved. I have lately lived a life that makes the world look in on me intently. And so now, having this attention, I am conflicted between wanting to cringe and wanting to revel. I just wish there was something better for us all to see.

If I should leave, I may come back a changed person. Am I deceiving even me anymore? This isn't me.

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Lisa Higgs

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*the third person*
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latest archive about email links yearbook japan photoblog wish list	Thu Nov 16 00 / 4:36 AM My name is Renuka, but don't call me that. Most call me Gucci, but maybe sometimes I wouldn't mind being called something else if someone wanted to. I have always been here, you know that; but who among you will notice enough to see me leave? You may miss me, but that's always too late. What is it that I want ... ? I can roll off a list of cosmetic changes, differences in family dynamics, paradigm shifts, just like everyone else, to be just like everyone else - will these make me the happy genius of my household? Someone has to like me best, and that has to be okay. What I don't think I realize is that first I have to like myself. People like me for who I am, and maybe I should stop asking why and just accept because. So who am I? I am more than an identity crisis in progress. How much more? I have arrived with baggage in hand to a point in my life where the whole of me is in question, in terms of both practice and psyche. Where I once lived only in terms of everyone else, I find that I must now make my own terms. But maybe I just want it to all be the same, because it's easier to know than not know, to have a place than stake a claim, to love than be loved. I have lately lived a life that makes the world look in on me intently. And so now, having this attention, I am conflicted between wanting to cringe and wanting to revel. I just wish there was something better for us all to see. If I should leave, I may come back a changed person. Am I deceiving even me anymore? This isn't me.
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Lisa Higgs
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