astronaut ambition

to be unintentional

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Mon Aug 14 00 / 3:07 AM

The way of the world is willpower. My eyes are open now; that's willpower. I'm breathing; since I'm thinking about it I have to consciously do it until I forget. Just thinking; definitely intentional.

There aren't enough things in the world that one can do purely without having to do anything about them. But there are a few, and I have to love that lack of responsibility.

I can sneeze. I can hold it back and attempt to make it dainty, but the real shebang will just happen no matter what. I read that everyone closes their eyes when they sneeze, in fact it's impossible not to. That's cool. And sneezing feels good. The more I hold it back, the more I really want to just sneeze my daylights out.

I can sleep. I hate to go to bed, but I love to sleep and dream and roll around in a warm tangle of blankets. I am often frustrated by insomnia, but eventually there is an interesting moment when I know that I am falling asleep. Despite the notion that sleeping is a purely unconscious habit, and you can't simply be conscious for it, I can find a short time at night where I realize that my body has become totally immobile, my breathing is unheard, my hearing seems switched off, and my mind doesn't seem to control anything anymore. It's delicious and let-go.

I can also yawn, which is almost as unconscious as sleep. It has to be a good yawn though, a lie down on the floor and arch my back and point my toes and have a little body spasm kind of yawn. It's only in the little spasm at the end that the unconscious goodness is had.

I rarely do, but I can vomit. While vomiting has its unpleasantries - such as the feeling before and the taste after -, the immediate act of vomiting is very satisfying. It is a release of the amazing yuckiness felt just seconds before, and it clears the head like no other act of God. And once the vomit comet has departed, there's just no getting off for sightseeing.

I can cry, but am not true to the art of it. A true cry, a long cry, a cry for unjustice, just hasn't been me for years. I swing to intense sadness in a fraction lately, but don't cry. My tears are the uncalled tears: the ones that well up on the lashes but don't spill, the ones that cause goosebumps, the ones that have to leak out because my heart is racing and taking up all the room in my body. That's unconscious, and that's ecstasy.

And while not as many people know this as you think, or you think, I can orgasm. Sneezing, sleeping, yawning, vomiting, crying, have their appropriateness and timeslots, but orgasming is the only one to make the 24/7 desire list. Even the pre-orgasm becomes unconscious, or at least singularly conscious enough not to matter. Thinking - no. Premeditated action - no. Sense of time - no. Orgasm - yes yes yes.

I like to be out of control, it is just very physically impossible at most times. Alcohol and drugs help remove the conscious intention barrier, but the lack of control is only a finely-developed illusion. If I blink hard enough, the control comes back, and just knowing I can do that keeps my grip on the willpower.

Being in zero-g would probably make me sneezesleepyawnvomitcryandorgasm all at the same time. I'd settle for something that would only make two of those come true.

</>

Lisa Higgs

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*to be unintentional*
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latest archive about email links yearbook japan photoblog wish list	Mon Aug 14 00 / 3:07 AM The way of the world is willpower. My eyes are open now; that's willpower. I'm breathing; since I'm thinking about it I have to consciously do it until I forget. Just thinking; definitely intentional. There aren't enough things in the world that one can do purely without having to do anything about them. But there are a few, and I have to love that lack of responsibility. I can sneeze. I can hold it back and attempt to make it dainty, but the real shebang will just happen no matter what. I read that everyone closes their eyes when they sneeze, in fact it's impossible not to. That's cool. And sneezing feels good. The more I hold it back, the more I really want to just sneeze my daylights out. I can sleep. I hate to go to bed, but I love to sleep and dream and roll around in a warm tangle of blankets. I am often frustrated by insomnia, but eventually there is an interesting moment when I know that I am falling asleep. Despite the notion that sleeping is a purely unconscious habit, and you can't simply be conscious for it, I can find a short time at night where I realize that my body has become totally immobile, my breathing is unheard, my hearing seems switched off, and my mind doesn't seem to control anything anymore. It's delicious and let-go. I can also yawn, which is almost as unconscious as sleep. It has to be a good yawn though, a lie down on the floor and arch my back and point my toes and have a little body spasm kind of yawn. It's only in the little spasm at the end that the unconscious goodness is had. I rarely do, but I can vomit. While vomiting has its unpleasantries - such as the feeling before and the taste after -, the immediate act of vomiting is very satisfying. It is a release of the amazing yuckiness felt just seconds before, and it clears the head like no other act of God. And once the vomit comet has departed, there's just no getting off for sightseeing. I can cry, but am not true to the art of it. A true cry, a long cry, a cry for unjustice, just hasn't been me for years. I swing to intense sadness in a fraction lately, but don't cry. My tears are the uncalled tears: the ones that well up on the lashes but don't spill, the ones that cause goosebumps, the ones that have to leak out because my heart is racing and taking up all the room in my body. That's unconscious, and that's ecstasy. And while not as many people know this as you think, or you think, I can orgasm. Sneezing, sleeping, yawning, vomiting, crying, have their appropriateness and timeslots, but orgasming is the only one to make the 24/7 desire list. Even the pre-orgasm becomes unconscious, or at least singularly conscious enough not to matter. Thinking - no. Premeditated action - no. Sense of time - no. Orgasm - yes yes yes. I like to be out of control, it is just very physically impossible at most times. Alcohol and drugs help remove the conscious intention barrier, but the lack of control is only a finely-developed illusion. If I blink hard enough, the control comes back, and just knowing I can do that keeps my grip on the willpower. Being in zero-g would probably make me sneezesleepyawnvomitcryandorgasm all at the same time. I'd settle for something that would only make two of those come true.
	</>
Lisa Higgs
.