astronaut ambition

days of whine and neuroses

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Sat Jul 08 00 / 3:45 PM

I want to break up with Gilbert. I think. I knew this relationship wouldn't last from the outset, and six months is getting out of casual territory. But is my wanting to break up NOW a real want, or just a mood swing brought on by my impending period?

We do have fun together, I do like him, I just will never have anything more than that. I write lists of reasons for and reasons nay, but they only serve to make me feel callous. Gilbert is last year's fantasy in my hands, and it's not a matter of dreaming vs. reality. It's only this: out of his uniform, he has very little left to interest me.

Or am I just dreading this weekend, where I'll have to be on top again?

So really, what am I doing? Pros and cons is no way to make a decision. I revel in this relationship that is so different from my fiftyfifty history of engagement rings and casual sex. Well, not so much different as the best of both those worlds. I've got the fun with just enough commitment to keep it real.

I like the validation. I like the sex (and that wonder is enough to keep me quiet). I don't like having to make decisions where all is well.

I know, deductively, that I am cruel, selfish, cowardly; but I just don't feel it (now there's some devilish comedy). I am living a lifestyle of hedonism, and of course it feels good. I complain that the days would be easier if the rest lived accordingly, but I don't think I even want that. Awkward as silence is, I don't want you to stop saying I love you.

I think I am enough return on that investment. I'll never be both so pretty and ugly again; one must take advantage of one's fleeting opportunities.

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Lisa Higgs

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*days of whine and neuroses*
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latest archive about email links yearbook japan photoblog wish list	Sat Jul 08 00 / 3:45 PM I want to break up with Gilbert. I think. I knew this relationship wouldn't last from the outset, and six months is getting out of casual territory. But is my wanting to break up NOW a real want, or just a mood swing brought on by my impending period? We do have fun together, I do like him, I just will never have anything more than that. I write lists of reasons for and reasons nay, but they only serve to make me feel callous. Gilbert is last year's fantasy in my hands, and it's not a matter of dreaming vs. reality. It's only this: out of his uniform, he has very little left to interest me. Or am I just dreading this weekend, where I'll have to be on top again? So really, what am I doing? Pros and cons is no way to make a decision. I revel in this relationship that is so different from my fiftyfifty history of engagement rings and casual sex. Well, not so much different as the best of both those worlds. I've got the fun with just enough commitment to keep it real. I like the validation. I like the sex (and that wonder is enough to keep me quiet). I don't like having to make decisions where all is well. I know, deductively, that I am cruel, selfish, cowardly; but I just don't feel it (now there's some devilish comedy). I am living a lifestyle of hedonism, and of course it feels good. I complain that the days would be easier if the rest lived accordingly, but I don't think I even want that. Awkward as silence is, I don't want you to stop saying I love you. I think I am enough return on that investment. I'll never be both so pretty and ugly again; one must take advantage of one's fleeting opportunities.
	</>
Lisa Higgs
.