love
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latest archive about email links yearbook japan photoblog wish list	Thu May 18 00 / 2:52 AM Gilbert said the L-word today. He hedged and stuttered, and I was thus prepared enough to hear it. I did not say it back. I offered some vagueries about strong feelings and possibilities in place of those four little letters. It's strange how meaningful that word is at the beginning, before it has been said; and how meaningless it is at the end, when it has been said countless times. I treat men badly. I love them and leave them, and few think it is truly better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Mostly my shame is in the break-up. I don't leave until I am disgusted at both of us (me for staying so long and he for putting up with it while still being the same person I fell in love with). They tell me I've never really loved. Maybe. But I do think I've felt it, nonetheless. Love is a coin. One side loves, and the other side loves back. The coin still exists if one side is blank, but its only value is as play money. I have never loved first, I have only loved back. A worthy sentiment, but a short-lived one. It has kept me sheltered and pompous, qualities my self-esteem needs, but it has done nothing to help me keep friends, that ever-elusive relationship I really do need.
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Lisa Higgs
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